Chapter 038 – Emmy: Breaking Down

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I am in a mountain where there’s no one else but me.

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I heard what Katie-san wanted to talked about.

And after that, I… I don’t know how I did it but I left Katie-san as if nothing happened.

I don’t even understand what I said.

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And when I was alone, I emotionlessly started writing a letter on a piece of paper.

The contents are the things I did. And, what I wanted to do in the future.

It was surprising even for me but I was able to write everything calmly like the door in my heart is fully locked and no emotion can come out.

I can’t even remember what I wrote specifically.

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And the person I can entrust it with… Is nobody else but her.

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[Emmy…? what happened…?]

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I found Jannet in the potion shop.

Jannet uses a lot of magic potions. It’s because she is currently handling our offensive and recovery magic. I seriously think that she’s pushing herself too much.

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But, I can’t afford to think of something like that right now.

I silently gave Jannet the folded paper where I wrote.

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[Read this in a place where no one else can see.]

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The voice that came out from my mouth are so lacking of emotions that even I didn’t think it’s possible.

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[Hey, really, what’s happening…]

[Burn it after you read it. Though I believe you’ll eventually do it even without me telling you to.]

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Really, I wonder who’s this person talking behind my mouth. Is this really me?

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[He-hey…? Let’s calm down for a minute, please? Emmy is, right now….]

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…Not good. That’s not good.

Right now… It’s because I’m keeping on moving that’s why I can remain like this.

If I calm down… Probably… I’ll…

…That’s why.

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[Jannet.]

[Wa-wait!]

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I won’t look back anymore.

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[–Goodbye.]

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I put strength into my legs and jumped off on to the shop’s roof.

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[Emmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!]

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…So Jannet can let her voice out like that too.

Good luck, my reclusive best friend.

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I didn’t react to that voice and left the city moving along the roofs.

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And here I am right now separated from the roads that connects the city to the village standing all alone in the middle of the mountains.

Weapons, shield, and money. Those are the only things I have in my hands.

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It is said that some monsters go out and escape into the mountains when monsters inside the dungeon overflow especially those that are from new and unexplored dungeons.

They don’t usually appear on the roads but they can be spotted frequently in the mountains. That’s why it’s normal for people to avoid walking outside the roads.

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I can’t hear anyone’s voice. Not even the sounds of insects.

Even the wind isn’t blowing. There’s not even something making a sound at all.

Ah.

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This is bad.

I feel nothing at all.

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–I’ll calm down at this rate.

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At the same time, large wolf-like beasts covered with black fur appeared in front of me.

It’s probably as tall as I am if it stood up.

I’m sure it’s a monster from a dungeon that overflowed.

There’s quite a lot of them.

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It appeared just as I am thinking about it.

Right.

That’s just right.

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[—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA!]

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I took aim at the pack of wolves and I hold my sword as I jump right at them.

For the shield… I’ll just carry it and won’t use it.

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[AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!]

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I hold my sword in two hands and with a single slash, I cut the nearest monster from its spine.

I’m sure this power is included to the blessings and ability that I’ve been given as I level up with the class of [Holy Knight].

A power that can’t be obtained by any normal girl.

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[AAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA–!]

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It’s a power that Russell, the strongest swordsman among us, never obtained.

The monsters who I don’t know whether have emotions or not looked at me who came to face them all alone and attacked all at once. The wolves bit my newly washed clothes from yesterday along with my skin.

Without any thoughts of defending, I ignore the fangs getting into my skin and just kept on cutting the monsters that came in front of me.

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There might be pain.

Or maybe not.

I don’t really know.

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[AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!]

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I wanted to be a cute girl.

Back in the past, I innocently wanted to be a princess.

I wanted to be a princess for just one person.

That’s all I wanted.

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[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–!]

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When there are only two remaining monsters left, the sword soaked in blood fell from my hands.

I lowered my body and aimed at the mouth of the monster jumping with force towards me and put my two hands inside it.

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–It’s about the time when Russell is to be nine years old.

Russell is a child that cares for everyone the most among all of us and has this slightly matured feeling. He asked a favor to Fredrica-san.

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[I want to help with the cooking…]

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Fredrica-san can’t help but smile from such a cute favor and they started to cut the vegetables in the kitchen side by side.

Russell is still a clumsy and danger prone child back then. But when I remember looking at them, they seem to be not just a pair of parent and child and I can’t help but feel jealous.

Then, Russell suddenly dropped the knife while cutting the vegetables and put his trembling finger into his mouth.

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[Maa! That’s bad!]

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Fredrica-san took Russell’s finger and blood is pouring out from it.

The moment I saw it, I can’t help but get really frightened.

Russell’s blood is pouring out.

What should we do if the bleeding don’t stop.

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I can’t help but laugh recalling how silly of a child I was but back then, I seriously thought that Russell would die if we just left it alone.

And then, I cried and cried behind Russell that it was so weird that I was more worried than the person himself.

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…No. What I said just now is a lie. That moment is still something I can’t laugh at.

If Russell’s finger right now got cut and starts to bleed, I feel scared, sad, and feel like crying like a child.

I seriously think that its my better to have my whole arm cut off rather than seeing Russell get even a scratch.

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–ah, I see.

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That’s why I became a [Holy Knight].

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The world’s best defender. Befitting of the ranks of the best.

All of these for a single cause why the Goddess had given me this job. My deepest desire. ‘I don’t want Russell to get hurt’.

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It’s obvious why Russell’s level did not go up. It’s because he was given a staff instead of a sword and had been prevented to go to the vanguard.

If I defeated the monster, then Russell will not get any harm.

That’s why, for Russell not to fight, for Russell to not get in the front lines, I agreed to push him as a rear guard.

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It’s my fault that Russell’s level remained pretty low.

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The jaws of the monster in front of me is now torn apart.

Ah… So fragile.

I want it to get this body more beaten up….

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[…AAA…]

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It felt like my own dark emotions were let out with the screams I let out earlier and before I knew it, it was again dead silent.

As I fought the monsters on such a reckless manner, I did not notice a monster coming for me from behind and reacted a bit late.

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[a–]

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Is this supposed to be a flashback?

Russell’s nostalgic smile suddenly appeared.

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At that moment, I held and raised up my shield as it emitted a light and blew the monster far away.

The monster’s body got distorted by the impact as it shoots its way on to the trees.

It was a powerful force. More powerful than any attack I did with my own sword when fighting monsters.

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And, I’ve seen the technique before.

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[A…aa…]

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I now understand everything.

And the things I have to do.

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[I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…]

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I… I had everything given to me.

To be able to stand along side with that boy normally and always keep him within my gaze.

To be able to get the best class to protect that boy from any harm.

To be able to get ultimate skill to protect the boy you love.

I… already received everything.

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[I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sor——……………..]

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I took a sword and used it as a chance to speak with Russell and now I have the strength that he can never have.

And ultimately, I did not let Russell’s level to go up.

And after obtaining the power that I would only dedicate to Russell… I ended up hurting him.

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Everything…

I received everything and destroyed it myself…

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I don’t have any right to blame Vince.

I don’t have any right to suspect Katie-san.

I don’t have any right to be called Jannet’s best friend.

I…

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[<Heal>]

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–I wonder why… I started to calm down all of a sudden.

I look at my shield and even though it is shining, it feels like something black is coming from it.

It seems like something inside me has changed…

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I don’t know why but… Now that I’ve calmed down, I now fully understand what I should do.

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I’ll apologize to Russell. Immediately.

Then, I’ll become Russell’s shield.

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I don’t have any right to love Russell anymore as a woman.

I’m fine with just talking to him and always be at his side.

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I only wish for one thing.

To die serving as Russell’s shield.

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A small child with black hair suddenly appeared in my mind.

That small child nervously came up to me who is pathetically wailing.

Then, I got the feeling of the weight of something I used to love on my head.

It really was my favorite but I lost that tiara. And that boy found it for me and put it on my head.

And I remember the child saying this while I am still grumbling.

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[Emmy-chan is… Uhm… Cute… I think you can be… a princess…]

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I didn’t know whether to stop crying or try to stop my face from burning.

But that boy himself who said it had his face so red as if it’s competing with me.

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I suddenly remembered the most cherished memories I had forgotten—and my heart that should have closed all of its emotions started to crack and I had started to cry silently without me knowing.

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Translator’s Notes:

1. This is release 2/4 for the week!

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